Reflecting on 12 Weeks with Olivia
I can’t believe Olivia is 12 weeks today! It’s been so incredible! Hard, but incredible for sure. I won’t make this a long one, but I really wanted to just put some thoughts out into the void. I’ve found writing has been really therapeutic for me recently, and also starting these conversations really lets other people know they aren’t alone. BUT, before we get into it… Here are some of my favorites of her from the last three months.
Time is flying by so fast. Like they tell you time flies… BUT IT FLIES!! So far for me, motherhood has been a joy and a challenge. It’s a joy for obvious reasons and a challenge because it’s something new that involves major adjusting. The last three months have taught me that we don’t have enough honest conversations about motherhood/parenting. We don’t have enough honest conversations about the challenging parts that come with having a baby. I’d like to change that. I’m working on it, but in the meantime, here are some important things I’ve learned:
It takes a village
That saying isn’t just like some weird old tale. It really does take a village to raise a child. I’ve been really open about how hard being away from my community has been. Coming up on three years of having moved to Arizona, and it has not gotten easier. Having a baby… Well, let’s back up. Being pregnant during a pandemic, and then having a baby during a pandemic has really highlighted how much I miss my friends and family. Especially on those days where everyone just feels like you could use a little support. Someone to come over and cook or clean. Someone to just come hang out while you try not to lose your ever-loving mind because you haven’t slept in 3 days. I don’t think it means other people raising your kids. I think it takes the support of a village to really get you through.
Most things about parenting on the internet are lies
Now, I’ll preface this by saying that I love me an article. Especially a science-based one. I love reading about child development, ways that we can be better parents, and all of the psychology behind it. But what I’m referring to here is what regular people are posting. Very rarely are people being honest about the challenges. I know I said that already, but it deserves to be said again. Chase and I often find ourselves talking to or reading about parents who appear to have it all together, only to find out they don’t. So at first, you’re like “WTF? Am I doing this wrong?” But then you’re like, “OH! LOLOL, we’re all falling apart, you’re just secretive about it. COOL!”
It’s been really refreshing to talk to parents that are open about both the challenging and the fun parts. We’ve received so much amazing advice and we’ve quickly learned not to compare our journey with anyone else’s. It’s sad but also interesting how society as a whole has grown so accustomed to social media that even things like parenting are curated. And that’s by EVERYONE. Not just influencers or public personas. Your neighbor, your friends… Everyone is being mindful about what they share and how they come across. & though not everyone wants to put their bad days out there, I think it humanizes the situation, you know? It’s really nice to read or hear about the normalcies of parenting from multiple people. It makes you feel less alone. Especially during this super isolating period re: pandemic.
People are going to give you advice whether you ask for it or not
Ahhh. This one is hard for me because I’m a rebel at my core. I also loathe unsolicited advice but I now understand that most of the time, people are just coming from a place of love. I know that I’ve talked to many people who feel like navigating this is a challenge. Especially when it comes to family. It’s so hard because I’m 31, right? So a lot of my friends and family who have children are much older, or they have kids in their teens/twenties. There have been so many new developments and I mean we are the self-help/boundary generation. So I find that some of the advice crosses personal boundaries or comes from a place of unhealed trauma. For me, it’s easier to honest.”I appreciate you sharing that with me. It doesn’t align with the way we would like to parent, but I can see how that worked for you.” Because what I don’t want is to pretend I’m going to take advice and then do the opposite right in front of the person.
I’ve also found that reaching out to people first, or genuinely asking questions when you’re giving advice is really helpful. “Why do you think that worked for you?” Or the person may not be helpful in one area, and you may find you liked something else, so you can ask for their help there. One thing is for sure… take it all with a grain of salt. Every family is unique and whichever way you choose to parent is the way you should parent.
Protecting your mental health is really important
I’ll keep this one short because I’ve already talked longer than I anticipated. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Having a partner that can support you and vice versa is so important. I’m very fortunate to be able to go to therapy every week. During that time Chase hangs out with Liv and I get to talk to someone about all of the happenings in our lives and my brain. I’m a huge advocate for therapy and I wish mental health resources were easier to access in this country. But if you’re able to, make time for therapy or anything that feels therapeutic to you. Whether it’s taking a walk alone and listening to a podcast or just being one with nature. From the perspective of a woman, your hormones are everywhere and your body is adjusting in a way it never has before. You deserve to carve out time to do something for yourself. Like I went out and got a mani-pedi and then cried in the car afterward because it had been a year since my last one and it was just nice to have that. I know that’s not easy for everyone, and I acknowledge I’m incredibly privileged to have such an involved and willing partner, but if you can, DO IT!
Babies are freakin rad
My favorite part about all this has been watching Olivia’s personality develop. Like as the weeks go by she’s doing something new. She recently started screaming when she’s up from her nap. Not crying or anything. Just straight up SCREAMING. When we go pick her up she starts laughing almost maniacally. It’s hilarious and terrifying, LOL. This past weekend she started talking a lot more. So there’s so much drool and gibberish happening! But it’s so fun to have a pretend conversation with her. Chase is really really good at that and it’s been great to watch him interact with her. They say cheesy things like “you’d never think you could love your partner more and then you watch them be a parent.” It’s true. 100%! Watching him with Olivia is a joy. Like an actual, legit, for real JOY!
You need to be okay with getting it wrong sometimes
With all the “unlearning” and “self-help” I’m into. All of the articles and the conversations, books, etc etc. It’s all incredible and does prepare you for a lot. But nothing compares to what happens in real life. Sometimes you’re going to get it wrong. You’re going to use the wrong lotion, say the wrong thing or have an accident. That’s okay! The rest of our lives with Olivia and anyone else that follows will be full of accidents, tears, hurt feelings, and things we wish never left our mouths. There are things out of our control, and we need to be okay with that. And there are things in our control that we don’t get right. We need to be okay with that too. Raising a child (and this is something I learned from nannying) will humanize you in a way you’ve never felt before. It’s a vulnerable and emotionally rich journey. YOU WILL GET IT WRONG, but then you’ll get it right, and it’s important to remember that those moments matter too.
Communication is everything
I’ll finish with the most important one. You often hear this when you ask an older couple how they’ve managed to stay together after 50+ years. They’ll say something like “Never go to bed upset at each other, and remember that communication is everything.” It really is. And although that’s important in your partnership, it’s important for everything else too. If you don’t love your child’s doctor, you should communicate that. If you’re struggling with something like breastfeeding, which was my situation, you need to communicate that and get help if you’re able to. If someone says something to you or your baby that you don’t like and you want to prevent it from becoming a habit, communicate that. If you need help with ANYTHING, communicate that!
And in that same breath, communicate the amazing things. Reassure your partner they’re doing a great job. Let someone know you appreciate their help or friendship. Shoot, look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re doing amazing. “YOU’RE DOING AMAZING SWEETY!” It may not always feel like it, but some things deserve celebration no matter how small.
Ultimately, this journey is my own. I am honored to be Olivia’s mom and I’m so glad I get to do that. I am grateful for the support we have and the support that is coming. I’m grateful for the really easy lessons and the hard ones. I’m thankful that although my village may not be physically present, I still have people who love us and love on us continuously.
I won’t always get it right. My way will not always be the best way. But I am so excited for what the future has in store for us. I can’t wait to see who she becomes. I can’t wait to see who I become. I can’t wait to see who Chase becomes. It’s an ever-evolving journey that I feel glad we chose to embark on.
Happy Three months to our girl, Livy. It’s been nothing short of magical!
I’m wearing some Farm Rio pieces with Sam Edelman shoes. You can shop the post below!
